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Over the years, it has been noted that my father bears a strong resemblance to Chevy Chase in certain situations. Actually, it's more Clark Griswold than Ty Webb. I thinks it's his ability to remain calm , collected and oh, so cool during those moments when everything goes wrong on a family vacation: There was the time his three children were almost towed away in the dented rental car after being hit in Beverly Hills touring the stars' homes (Dad was busy explaining the situation to the police officer). Then there was the trip to Colorado with the Heiler family; the five of us running up the side of a mountain in ski boots on the Vail Pass. (we had to abandon yet another rental car after sliding into other vehicles and a snowbank to avoid being mauled by a truck hauling metal door frames passed 15 minutes earlier). And then there were those times he probably wanted to maul us:
Italy--where I stayed in the hotel to watch Italian soap operas and buy wine during siesta instead of going to the Basilica
Ireland--where Michael sideswiped a stone wall in the rental van and backed into a parked car (or was that Tom?)
Tom: It was moving in my rearview mirror!)
England--at the London Zoo, where we complained about the hot dogs tasting funny
Mom: The complaint was that the hot dogs tasted like the ones in Australia -- no Coney Island Nathan's in London. That was also the zoo where the gorilla played with a piece of pink bubble gum and then stuck it up his nose. It improved his mood and ours as well.)
And where was it that Michael kept making dripping water sounds with his mouth? Charleston? or was it Everywhere?
Tom: That would be Rome, where you stole the room with the veranda and wouldn't let Mom & Dad se it for fear they'd kick you out, which they did, only to realize you also didn't have any air conditioning, so they kicked you back in. Either way, Michael was in the middle room, so there was no escaping the dripping faucet impression. I've never been so proud of his talents.)
Thanks, Dad, for your unending patience.
Mom: Rome was where Bethie was being "sick" back in the hotel room and the rest of us set off for the Colliseum -- see Tom's photo on the home page with Michael in a headlock -- Dad began to get chest pain and thought he was having a heart attack (although it turned out to be muscle strain from lugging the movie camera everywhere). I gave him some aspirin and as he approached the water fountain in a park, Michael put his thumb over an opening on the fountain to quadruple the force of the water. Dad got soaked from head to toe and quickly forgot his angina.
HOWEVER, this story's Caddyshack reference is not to Chevy Chase, but to Bill Murray as greenskeeper, Carl. Aside from rental cars, there's only one thing that Dad continues to do battle with: Squirrels.
I'm not sure when it started, but at some point Dad (I think with Poppie's help) strung the birdfeeder from the tree out back with wire so that the squirrels couldn't reach the seed. The squirrels would walk the tightrope successfully and Dad would hoist the feeder higher. Finally, one athletic squirrel managed a flying leap into the dish and toppled it, smashing the bowl. War was declared. Dad, as the son of an engineer, evaluated rodent trajectory, speed, agility, and body mass. He examined bird weight, beak size, and balance. He came up with the perfect deterrant. Dad went into the basement and returned with several nails. He then rinsed off a styrofoam meat platter from Safeway and began driving the nails through the tray. His reasoning: Birds are lightweight enough that they will be able to sit on the nails like Indian fakirs. Their beaks are small enough to eat around the nails. The first unsuspecting gopher (I mean squirrel) to leap on to the punjee sticks would quickly spread the word.
Well, the styrofoam was too brittle, the formica floor tile too heavy. The project was abandoned. Eventually, Santa brought Dad a Red Ryder bb gun for Christmas. Unlike Carl with his C-4, I think Dad missed the sense of mano-a-mano combat. I'm not sure he ever used his Red Ryder. It looked like the squirrels had won the day.
Then Dad found The Yankee Flipper...
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