I started being more active about taking
care of myself after two months of traveling.
Yoga is never far from my thoughts, and I have always managed to keep up
a simple practice on my own. Although my
body is too tight and I’m so far from where I used to be, I stumbled upon an amazing
instructor who is full of fire. He
inspires me because his energy keeps me focused. I’m uncovering really magical feelings through
yoga. When I was the furthest along in
my practice I would have dreams at night about my body finally loosening up and
feeling the ground beneath me as my body released what it previously could not.
I used to wake up with so much
satisfaction that I would practice in the middle of the night, euphoric and
excited to push my body further, but especially to feel my pelvis hit the
ground as I stretched and released. In
yoga there is a kind of desire to to encroach little goals that lead towards new
inconceivable ones. In my life, I also
have this desire.
My relatives have asked me, almost as long
as I have lived here, to please return home.
Since, the last home I can remember was with my grandmother in Cranford NJ, but was sold,
and she died in 2003, it is hard for me to imagine what home means to
them. The closest connection I have to
home is the apartment of my boyfriend in Brooklyn. I have convinced myself
numerous times that I ought to escape my difficulties in Shanghai too, but his
kind of thinking is an imaginary vision.
Could it be possible to run away to southern California in
order to be transported to a blissful state of existence where everything that’s
wrong with Shanghai will magically turn right?
Leaving Shanghai will do nothing until I reach the abstract place that will reveal the
next little goal.
I’m tired of
pondering when I will Shanghai. When am
I leaving? Where to next? This is where I am. I am here, in a country that I love. I love chatting with Chinese women and hearing
their discord, secrets, and their compromises.
I love discussing our similarities, and the difference in the
consequences of our materialized thoughts.
Sometimes I feel so free. I don’t
have a mother to stand up to, or someone else’s expectations to fulfill. I never pine over acceptance. I can move anywhere in the world, and always
feel them with me. I am lucky and
blessed. I am struggling, and
learning. I am pulling and stretching. I can feel my knees on my ears.