When things don't work out exactly as we plan...
by Rachel Hull
I must confess that the last year did not end quite as I had envisioned. Far from partying the night away, New Years Eve was spent in a hospital with a person very close to me, being told that they had the big C - yes cancer. Somewhat surreally, we then left the hospital to join a few friends and share the news with them. "Happy New Year, and by the way"…Certainly for me, and I'm pretty sure for the person who was diagnosed, and most likely the other people as well, there was an element of not quite being in the body. Of wondering how you’re meant to be in this situation? I guess cancer is a club that you're either in or you're not, and suddenly it stepped a whole lot closer to my world, bringing a few changes along the way. For one thing, I decided not to go to Goa to run my annual teacher training this year, and instead enlisted the services of some very competent teachers and friends who I knew would do a great job. So as I write this, the training is going on over there; and I'm here, where I feel it's appropriate to be. And they are doing a great job just as I knew they would. It also saw us re-join the 'West', at least for a while, and take advantage of some of its modern, Western medicine and diagnostic techniques. There was a good side to that, as there’s nothing like trying to deal with something like cancer from within a developing country. In a stranger moment, I found myself sitting in a hospital cafeteria, watching people order diet pepsi and chips, and wondering how on earth we got here, when barely a few months before the world was our oyster and laid out before us with such promise. Since the initial shock has settled, my friend has handled things remarkably well, and with a great sense of calm befitting their already serene nature. Meditation and visualisation, exercise, herbal remedies and various other concoctions are administered daily. And a positive attitude obviously goes a long way. Now, back in Bali, where life goes on as normal, we know this is the time to get strong and healthy and prepare for the next part of the journey, which involves weeks of radiation. I know that we really need this time and it would be wise to take advantage of it in preparation for what's ahead. And yet it's also leaving me personally with a whole lot more time on my hands than I had planned or wanted. And I've realised that I don't do very well with too much time on my hands. I like to have a vision, a plan, a purpose. With too much aimless time, my mind has a tendency to self-destruct, which is not the space I want to be in ever, especially as I'm hoping to be supportive. I think the bottom line is that I want to know the outcome, to both this situation and to where my home is going to be, and where my life is heading. And in this case, I simply don't know, as it's not yet clear. I want to know that things will all work out ok and be fine, but I don't know that for sure. I spend my days looking up courses on Traditional Chinese Medicine and related things, and feel a strong and perhaps slightly urgent desire to understand the healing process deeper than ever before. Of course the thing to say here is that we never know for sure what's going to happen, so we need to live one day at a time, or something along that line. My truth right now is, that while I agree with the philosophy, I am finding the process of really integrating it an uncomfortable one. And I'd be lying if I said I was there yet. And so, from a current space of ‘not quite surrender’, I embark upon this New Year and all it has to offer. I hope that soon I will stop fighting against the things I cannot control and stop struggling against the Universe. Instead I would like to move through life with some of the poise and grace my friend is displaying at this time. Take a nice deep breath, hold it, and exhale...
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