Today dawned in a strange haze
Desiring the gaze to invade
But he evaded
And instead waded
in things unsaid
recording his dreams on the bed
Exploring his head
We fed
On nothing in particular
Shy and perpendicular
To the layers of meaning
Between dirty sheets
We shared sweets and meats
In the heat of the summer morning
Ignoring the warning
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Ummmmm the sun licks my cheeks and smudges my freckles
I listen to my music loudly and eat cheddar cheese
The grapes are green, the eye shadow green
The washing is clean but the hands are dirty, flirty
Its sad how we crack each others hearts, how we rip each others flesh out like vampires
We ravage each other in storms of blood,
Killing the light that first attracted us
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I bathe in a field of common sense
Talk to me about ethical principles and wise politics my friend
I feel like a queen full of power and poisonous eyes
I take my sorry eyed self and push her onto a stage in front of a
million eyes and i dance with a power that causes the hour to stop and
continue forever
Defiance rushes out of me panickingly, shockingly I fling my body but
remain composed and I show this world how I’m gonna do it and it must
obey
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Happiness writes white or so the quote that Sj told me read last night
I see happiness out of sight and so I write as a way of pulling a rope to bring that boat
Perhaps I will board and become bored and thus resort to jumping out
and swimming in water freezing until I have written enough to fill a
ceiling
I told her drugged filled body of the death drive but I could not remember what it meant only that she had it, we all did
A Beautiful face with shaky hands, your pupils expand and take over this room
Ill and dying, tomorrow begins the crying, but for now its just the whying and I sooth you as you sprout questions on my bed
Fried head on eggy bread we sleep until the morning comes
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Rhiannon's butter flies have flown, the stones that replace them
provide a perfect granite like bliss. She is now a town where fire and
air do not conspire to make her fart, instead earth and water create
fertile swamps within her brown shiny bowls - the wind howls hilarious
in the face of high pressure, give me your treasure oh sweet Natalie
and we shall snort sherbet as the sun rises and fills young kittens
with awkward babies, careful they are sure to have rabies and infect
our lungs, puff puff the smoke is a joke sent to choke us and make us
wash clean hair, in hot air i eat a purple pair and hum until the
morning wakes me
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The monkeys were abroad to hurt me
I tried to defy but they dived inside me
Knocking on my brain and making a racket
All night we fought, my poor body distraught
I opened my eyes and they took the opportunity to slumber
But I knew they were waiting for any little blunder
The problem was always in thinking to much
I tried to let go but the brain was to hot
Boil it, boil it and rub it with alcohol
This is to toil and loveable
You smile and all the while I hate the beauty
And dream silently of things I have lost
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Oh silly me
My life is thick with drama
Highs and lows beep beep on the machine
I drive this car recklessly
But think now perhaps I will relax
I have seen life to the max and there is much to be said for boredom
And sensibleness
I can’t take off my colours
Or leave behind my complexes
But for a while I am taking a break and being calm
Resisting the charms of life and the harms they bring
---
But these are words that flicker sometimes bicker on a screen, they are
a bit like my dreams, real and vivid but forgotten in the morning. They
are almost meaningless, sometimes worthless. We think a thought but the
action is stronger, we make a plan but we forget it. How do we make
real material changes, how do we change desires, self realisations into
life changing actions? Show me the freezer for my airy thoughts that I
might be able to ground them, eat them, digest them and shit them out.
We recycle all the same metaphors, cliché’s but are not ashamed, we
learnt them together in primary school after all.
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London sucks me like a hard like a boiled sweet; I warm up and melt
into her tongue staining her teeth orange with my acidic flavour
My turquoise debauchery has no content
I am tired and full up and so much to tell you but must wait until I
have the power to convey my whole array of aliveness goodnight
It went deep and the lines between love and pain were beginning to blur
I bled and at the same time fed
The picture went fuzzy and began to melt in to my soul
I imagined his strong arms holding me
I was alone
And I bathed in the pain of it
Softly not resisting the truth
My medecine, for a season
It was physical, my feeling
It was beautiful
And all consuming
the non violent silence that broke me in front of myself
Me and his baby were my only defences
She witnessed in her sleep my careful tears
And I wondered with fear where I would sleep tonight