Here’s the view just 3 weeks away from my 60th birthday. It does not feel good. I’d fall asleep thinking, “I know I haven’t been to Mass in 25 years, but if I could just be 40 again, I’ll start going to church every Sunday.” But this week, I had a breakthrough. I decided that as long as Clairol and dentists are in business, I will not get grey or toothless. As for the wrinkles, I’ll call them laugh lines. I will accept age 60 with grace and good humor.
As I look at the end of my life (because I figure I’ve got about 20 years left if I’m lucky) I figured out that aging is mostly about loss. Still, when you lose people you really care about, they leave part of themselves with you. I think of it as an indelible imprint on my soul. I feel that way about my dad and my grandfather. I might read a book and think, “Dad would love that.” Amazing — I still think of him in the present tense and he’s been dead since June 1995. I wish I could still tell him things.
I discovered something when I looked at my timeline on Commontales. Most of my stories happened when I was a 10-year-old. I decided that people might find an age that sticks in their minds forever. Who knows why it happens (and I may be wrong). It just seems to me to be the way it works. I think that’s a pretty good thing. That’s why I wrote The Voice in My Head.
My mother once said to me, “I can’t believe I’m old because I feel like I always did, but then I look in the mirror and see an old person looking back at me.” She added with some surprise, “I still feel like I’m 16.” I thought it was an odd thing to say. I was about 25 when she said it, so she can’t have been that old, but now I understand.
Sometimes I ask people about the age they have in their head. At first they look like they have no idea what I’m talking about, but when I explain that I’m wondering when they think a thought like, “Boy, that’s a beautiful beach!” Does the thought seem to come from their younger self, and if it does, how old are they. They always seem to understand. Surprisingly, most say firmly their thoughts are set at age 24.
Actually, I am the only 10-year-old I know. I think 10 is a very comfortable age and it suits me well (it suits me better than 60).
Because I’m facing this milestone birthday, I’ve had to face up to the problem of loss. I know it’s on its way. I have decided that you will meet and love people who will be there with you until the end. That’s a wonderful thing to know.
I’ve been married for nearly 40 years to the love of my life. We argue, we negotiate, we laugh, but best of all, we love. We truly love each other through the hard times and the easy times. We have friends who will always be friends. We never doubt it. And we recognize that there were some people who entered our lives who were never truly friends.
Hardest to deal with were the good people who slipped away much too soon. Some died as children and some as adults. We will miss them always, but their imprints are on our souls. Their imprints will be on our souls forever. That’s solace as I face 60.
I hope I’m not breaking the law by copying these lyrics on the Commontales, but I just realized that I was only 21 and a senior in college when the Beatles published the song “When I’m 64.”
Here are the words. As I face 60, I feel good because I’m 4 years younger than 64.
When I’m 64
When I get older losing my hair
Many years from now
Will you still be sending me a Valentine
Birthday greetings, bottle of wine
If I'd been out till quarter to three
Would you lock the door
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I'm sixty-four
You'll be older too
And if you say the word
I could stay with you
I could be handy, mending a fuse
When your lights have gone
You can knit a sweater by the fireside
Sunday mornings go for a ride
Doing the garden, digging the weeds
Who could ask for more
Will you still need me, will you still feed me
When I'm sixty-four