Last
week, Joshua arranged a special phone call to China.
He emailed me the night before to make sure that I would be home, and
broke the news that he had been “hanging out” with someone. Actually he
said, a second girl had also been fond of him, but he was going to take the
time today to call her and break the news that he didn’t like her. “Be
gentle”, I encouraged. My creepily logical side comforted each of us, and
we got off the phone. Faced with more traumatic events then a break up, I’ve
conditioned myself to spill open my rational side soaking my emotional parts in
a calm stupor. The next day, I called to yell, logical Kristin still gushing,
this time laced with moments of rage. I’ve never felt this way before.
I’ve been trying to figure out how to separate myself from him, even
hoping to make a trip to America
to settle the belongings that he has generously been managing for the last
year. I understand his position. Touching and sharing with another person
feels really good. However, the inflated version of Joshua, drunk with
success, is just so shocking to me. I never expected our
relationship, our beautifully unconventional relationship, to end with such
tragic blah-dom. I can’t even describe it to my friends without them shrugging
it off. This shit actually does happen. It’s so average,
understandable, and completely lame. I feel lucky that I’ve taken another
step in knowing my life a little more clearly, however, I feel so betrayed that
the love that we shared did not command a more delicious ending. His
cavalier confession annoys the shit out of me, and although I really accept
that he has decided to start dating other people, it’s impossible for me to
understand why on earth he would share such poignant news with such crass
bravado. Perhaps it all really doesn’t matter after all, and the excitement
that my emotional side hopes to stir is just a waste of thought, time, and
energy.
So, my life is changing again. I guess there is a 6 month threshold since
it seems every half year something magical happens and the bound lotus in my
chest unfolds some more. Since Joshua and I lived together, he has been
residing among all of the odds and ends that I didn't square away before I left
America.
From the fluffy pink prom dress that he bought for me one night a few years ago
at a vintage shop on 9th street after closing time, to my brand new car which
sits to rot in New Jersey at his parents house, and our beautiful little
doggie...I left many loose ends when I sped away to China. Believing that
I wouldn't be gone for more then a year, it seemed fair at the time. In my
(our) imagination, we'd reunite after a year, and things would fall right back
into place. Luckily for the two of us, things fell as they should.
Where we left off in March 2005 wasn't a place that dreams were made
of. Our relationship actually grew much stronger while we were 8500 miles
apart, and the resulting infrequency of our contact made visits and
conversations buttery sweet. Knowing the connection that we shared, I
can't help but analyze whether or not our paths were meant to collide or if we
were just supposed to shoulder check each other on our way somewhere else.